AAAAHHHHHHH!

I can't believe it's been more than two months since I last posted!  CRAZY!!  Things at work are so busy, and now with it getting so dark so early we are super lazy in the evenings.  So sorry!  I think about the blog all the time and how I want to write, but then one things leads to another and suddenly two months have gone by!

So what's new with me?  I'm in the beginning stages of choreography for "Cats" at a local high school I just became a consutant with Premier Designs Jewelry and am already LOVING it {Note the new tab for PD info!}, and other thank that working hard training new hires at QH and hanging out with Rob. 

I'm trying to get back into the swing of things and really want to get caught up here... thanks for sticking with me!  More soon!!!

*believe always* 

A little less of me...

So those of you who have visited my "losing it" tab may have noticed that there's only one post, and no follow up from it.  I have every excuse {I've been so busy at work, Robb and I only get so much time together, we were on vacation, I had to clean the house} but no real reason for not getting in shape.  Now I have a HUGE {expensive} reason to... I want to walk down the aisle a year from now with no regrets.  I don't want to look at myself and think, "I wish I was thinner."  Okay, let's face it, I may always be saying that... but the point is I want to feel truly beautiful, and I want to be able to choose the dress of my dreams and not be limited by size.  So last week I bit the bullett and started dieting.  I wish I was the kind of person who controlls what she eats and loves to work out, but that's just not true.  I need a diet, a plan, a goal... something defined and easy to stick to... at least at the beginning.  Enter Slim Fast.  I've done SF before and I have to tell you, it works for me.  I have had a full week of being good... SF for breakfast and lunch with veggies, fruit, and lowfat yogurt for snacks.  I typically eat whatever I want for dinner within reason.  This way I don't feel too deprived.  Weekends {I think} will go either way.  If we are home I'll do SF and veggies, if we're out or have plans I'll be good.  I'm starting with this and then I'll add exercize to the plan once I've got the diet under control.

Today is weigh in day... I'll update this post with my weight before the end of the day!  {This is the first weigh-in... so just a starting number.}

Make it a great week everyone!

*believe always*

525,600 minutes...

Being a RENThead I couldn't resist the title for this post.  Based on everything Robb and I are looking at, one year from today we will be getting married!!!  I promise to interrupt any previously scheduled posts with an announcement as soon as the actual proposal happens, lol.  I've had a lot of questions about why we picked a date before being officially engaged... here's the scoop:

Having a Jewish wedding typically means a Sunday ceremony {or a late Saturday ceremony sometime after sundown}.  I didn't want to inconvenience my family who are not used to the idea of a Sunday wedding, so we thought it would work out well to do it on a holiday weekend.  Labor Day 2013 is September 2nd, so we decided on Sept. 1st for our date.  It works out well because it's not a huge party holiday {thus keeping our costs down... who wants to pay holiday costs on top of already exorbitant wedding costs?} and most people will still have Monday off work.  From there we realized this is also the weekend of the first Ohio State football game {can you say Buckeye themed rehearsal dinner? - speaking of which... Dear Urban and the scheduling powers that be, If you could make the first game of 2013 a little later in the day that would be amazing!  I mean how fun would it be to go to a 3:30 game with the wedding party, then over to the rehearsal and dinner?!?}  Robb and I have been living together for over a year, we have known even before then that we wanted to be together forever, so the official proposal at this point is really just a formality {not to mention I want a ring, lol}.  I've had so many people ask me, "Won't it take away from the excitement of the proposal if you already have so much planned?"  My answer?  No... I cannot imagine any circumstance where I will not be surprised and highly emotional over a proposal.  Plus, we all know I'm a planner, so it will eliminate any anxiety that comes along with having to make big decisions immediately afterwards.  We want to start a family in the not so distant future, so we don't want to push the wedding date back any later than September.  Everything that we've talked about so far has fallen into place.  I have the perfect partner, we found a great weekend, we are totally on the same page with wedding theme ideas, his mom found the perfect venue for our reception, our Rabbi is available that day... we just need to see if the synagogue itself is free... I mean it really is perfect.

So there you go... One year from today I will be Jennifer Steiner and happily ever after will begin!!!

*believe always*

Friday Letters

Dear Extended Family - I have such mixed emotions around the party this weekend... anxiety, excitement, anticipation, and some more excitement.  I hope everyone comes with an open mind and heart and is there to focus on Grandma's birthday.  I'm excited to see all of you, and can't wait for her to see the surprise.  Travel safely!

Dear Brian - Thank you for the opportunity to pe a part of the training team.  I have had a blast the past three months, it's wonderful to come to work when you truly love and feel passionate about your job.  I am so excited for the next three months and getting our new hires trained!  I can't wait to see what the future holds for me here at QH.

Dear Friends {that includes you!} - Thank you for listening to me talk about wedding plans even though we're not officially engaged.  I know you're all thinking that you have a whole year of this ahead, and that's probably true.  I love you for listening. 

Dear Rachel - I cannot tell you how excited I am to be working with you again.  You are truly going to excell here at QH.  One week from yesterday we'll be reunited!

Dear Shelly -  I hope I am writing the same thing to you a month from now, have faith.  I know you'd be a great fit here, I hope so much you are given a chance to prove your abilities.

Dear Peg and Stan - Thank you for always making us feel welcome at your lake house... it's so nice to have a place to escape to.  You are truly two of the most kind people I have ever met. 

*believe always*

Life in Pictures

1 -  My absolute favorite picture from the beach.  Thanks to the lovely Barbara Ann for bring our photographer for the evening!  {Look for the whole vacation in pictures next week!}

2  -  This is a picture from one of last year's Buckeye games, I love this picture and I LOVE that Buckeye football starts the day after tomorrow!!!

3  - A pair of dorks.  Seriously though, I know you all have done this... we call it Martha Washington hair.  :)  The lovely girl with me is my baby sister {the previously mentioned Barbara Ann}.

4  -  My brain is all things wedding right now {no, no official engagement, but we have set a date!!!} and this is the centerpiece we are going for.  I apologize in advance for the wedding talk you will all have to read through over the next year.

5  -  The BEST poochies in the whole world!  This was taken at the lake last weekend after a long day of swimming.

6  -  Bonbon!!!  My first "publicity shot" for the bakery.  What do you think?

7  -  My ADORABLE nephew in his 9 month picture.  :)  I get to see this little chunk {along with his brother, sister, and my BFF} tomorrow!!!

8  -  My new breakfast and lunch.  I want to start losing now {you know, for the wedding} and this is my jump start.

9  -  My awesome boyfriend riding in Pelotonia.  He raised $1200.00 for the James Cancer Research Center while riding 25 miles.  He amazes me every day.

That's it, my life in pictures... vacation pics coming next Thursday!

*believe always*

So What! Wednesday

Here's what I'm saying So What! to this week:

• It's only Wednesday and I am SOOOO looking forward to my 3 day weekend coming up!  I l.o.v.e. my job, but my house is {still, yes, still} a disaster and I just know I can get it all together in a long weekend.
• I'm planning a half birthday dinner for Robb next Friday.  I know it's silly, but he has some BIG things he's planning and I want to do something special for him.  Besides I have the cutest idea in my head for a half birthday cake that I want to try.  {Yes, pics coming soon.}
• I've been blogging more on this blog than my baking blog.  Lately I've just felt like I have some things I need to get out.
• I am so totally pumped for football season to start.  THE Ohio State Buckeyes kick off this weekend and I feel like it's the first sign of fall.
• One of the main reasons I want to get the house cleaned up is to put up my fall decorations... I have A LOT of them!

What are you saying So What! to this week?  Link up with Shannon and spill! 

*believe always*

Friday Letters

Dear Martha Graham and Otis - You are the best poochies in the world, and you brighten all my days.  Thanks for all the kisses and cuddles.

Dear weekend MAGIC class - You guys were awesome.  I was nervous to teach such a large class on a weekend with no backup, but you all rocked.  I hope your first week using your MAGIC was not too stressful!

Dear Joy - I think about you often and hope you're doing well.  I hope someday we'll be in contact again.

Dear Aunt Nancy - I have to tell you, I was stressed about helping plan Grandma's party.  There are things about the family dynamics that I have still not come to terms with, and I wasn't sure how that would affect the planning of this and my anxiety level.  I have to tell you, I am so glad we decided to do this.  I have missed you so much, and I am so happy that we are able to talk, and be honest and open and really get somewhere with our conversations.  I can't wait to find a free weekend to come spend with you... and I can't wait to see you and everyone next weekend at the party!  Thank you for all of your love and support.  I'm glad you and I are communicating... it means so much to me.

Dear Abbey - I hope your move in to Otterbein this week went well.  I was thinking about you all week.  I can't wait to come visit and do lunch sometime soon!

Dear Self - I know you aren't happy with your body.  I know you want to lose weight and you think that will solve so many problems for you.  I don't know if it will or not.  Know that you are special and you are loved by so many.  You have so many blessings in you life.  If there are things you want to improve you CAN do it.  You've done it before.  Make it happen.

*believe always*

So What! Wednesday

Here's what I'm saying So What! to this week...



• Rob and I have been together over 2 years and I feel like we're finally making our money work for us.  We set up joint checking and savings accounts last week and have a detailed plan for every pay check... it's a step!
• I am OBSESSED with the Sookie Stackhouse series... I started the first book while we were at the beach {so like end of July} and just finished the 12th book earlier this week... 12 books in about 3 weeks - seriously?!  OBSESSED.  I am so sad that it's over.  We did start getting True Blood on Netflixx, so at least I can kinda stay in that world for a little while longer.  I guess it's actually a good thing that I finished the series because it will give me a chance to read the Blog Friends Book Club selection - Gone Girl, which I will review on September 3rd.
• I worked my first weekend in FOREVER last weekend... and actually enjoyed it!  I taught a customer service class at QH and the class I had was AWESOME!  Seriously, they were all there on their weekend off too, and we truly had fun!
• I still hate when Rob had to travel for work... at the same time I think it makes us appreciate each other more too.
• The house is {still} a mess - though it's slowly getting better, I have a million things to do, and we're going to the lake this weekend.  There are only so many lake weekends left and I want to take FULL advantage.
• Speaking of the lake, I am so sad that my tan from the beach is already fading... does that make me vain?
• I met with the director {co-director?} for CATS last night and we watched the movie and talked about our vision for our production.  I already have a million ideas and have bits and pieces already choreographed... yeah yeah, I know, the show's not until February, but I like to be prepared okay?  
•  We bought paint for our bedroom at least 3 months ago and haven't done anything with it... sounds like a Shabbat project to me!  {Wait, would that count as writing?  Gotta check with the Rabbi on that one!}

What are you saying So What! to this week?  Link up with Shannon and tell the world!

*believe always*

100 things

I started doing this a few years ago at the suggestion of one of my best friends.  He did it his senior year of high school and then a year later his teacher mailed all of the lists back to his students.  I write mine in my journal and tape the pages together so I can't look at it for a year.  It's really neat to look at the list a year later and see what you've done and what you don't even want to do anymore.  Confused?  Here's the deal...

Make a list of 100 things you want to do in your life... not necessarily in the next year.  They don't have to be big things either... just things.  This is my list from 7/15/2010... I'm a year late in getting back to it, and that's okay... in this case it's actually kind of cool because when I finished this list, I had been in my relationship with Rob for less than 4 months.

1. Earn a degree
2. Go to Uncle Mark's Church
3. Take a trip alone
4. Buy diamonds for myself
5. Visit Mr. Mayo
6. Own a home
7. Audition for a show
8. Take singing lessons
9. Be in a show
10. Walk 10,000 miles
11. Get to goal size {175ish?}
12. Go sailing
13. Write a story/book
14. Walk in the Pacific Ocean
15. Pay my parents back
16. Pay off my student loans
17. Have an entire honest day
18. Pay for TI 
19. Sing Karaoke in public
20. Learn a new dance style
21. Stay at the Bellagio
22. Dance in the rain
23. Take a Mia Michaels class
24. Master fouettes
25. Take my kids to Disney
26. Take my family to TI
27. Visit Winchester Mystery House
28. Start a foundation
29. Travel outside the US
30. Master an aerial
31. Foster or adopt a child
32. Read Les Miserables
33. Get a massage
34. Have a selfless day
35. Judge a dance competition
36. Attend the Olympics
37. Get married
38. Donate blood
39. Fill a journal
40. Go to Radio City
41. Ice skate at Rockefeller Center
42. Finish Purpose Driven Life
43. Make a scrapbook
44. Run a full marathon
45. See Les Miserables professionally
46. Have $10,000 in savings
47. Go to the Oprah show
48. Play the lottery
49. Go bungee jumping
50. Ride in a hot air balloon
51. Be a mentor/Big Sister
52. Volunteer at RMHC
53. Build a habitat house
54. Take a cooking class
55. Buy a little black dress
56. Clean out/detail my car
57. Forgive the family situation
58. Ride a mechanical bull
59. Attend the TONYs
60. Be in Times Square for New Year's Eve
61. Drive to CA
62. Get another tattoo
63. Really thank Marc
64. Sleep outside overnight
65. Stretch everyday for a month
66. Win an award for choreography
67. Read the bible
68. Choreograph 100 shows
69. See an original Broadway cast
70. Visit Harry Potter World
71. Go to a book signing
72. See a new concert
73. Buy a new car
74. Get another dog
75. Read 100 books
76. Tell Lindsay
77. Thanks John
78. Say "I love you" and mean it
79. Send out birthday cards for a year
80. Hire a new school for choreography
81. Try caviar
82. Visit a new state
83. Buy a chandelier
84. Buy designer shoes
85. Quit BN
86. Organize the JDSD office
87. Have a JDSD season without mistakes
88. Be in a relationship longer than 6 months
89. See Kristen Chenoweth live
90. Find a church I love
91. Run a half marathon
92. Run a 10k
93. Run a 5k
94. Workout daily
95. Stop procrastinating
96. Make a difference
97. Send someone flowers
98. Be promoted
99. Be a star consultant
100. Go on a cruise

 Then you take the list and check off the things you did {I made these things green}, and cross off the things you no longer feel you need to do - no matter what the reason.

1. Earn a degree
2. Go to Uncle Mark's Church
3. Take a trip alone
4. Buy diamonds for myself
5. Visit Mr. Mayo
6. Own a home
7. Audition for a show
8. Take singing lessons
9. Be in a show
10. Walk 10,000 miles
11. Get to goal size {175ish?}
12. Go sailing
13. Write a story/book
14. Walk in the Pacific Ocean
15. Pay my parents back
16. Pay off my student loans
17. Have an entire honest day
18. Pay for TI 
19. Sing Karaoke in public
20. Learn a new dance style
21. Stay at the Bellagio
22. Dance in the rain
23. Take a Mia Michaels class
24. Master fouettes
25. Take my kids to Disney
26. Take my family to TI
27. Visit Winchester Mystery House
28. Start a foundation
29. Travel outside the US
30. Master an aerial
31. Foster or adopt a child
32. Read Les Miserables
33. Get a massage
34. Have a selfless day
35. Judge a dance competition
36. Attend the Olympics
37. Get married
38. Donate blood
39. Fill a journal
40. Go to Radio City
41. Ice skate at Rockefeller Center
42. Finish Purpose Driven Life
43. Make a scrapbook
44. Run a full marathon
45. See Les Miserables professionally
46. Have $10,000 in savings
47. Go to the Oprah show
48. Play the lottery
49. Go bungee jumping
50. Ride in a hot air balloon
51. Be a mentor/Big Sister
52. Volunteer at RMHC
53. Build a habitat house
54. Take a cooking class
55. Buy a little black dress
56. Clean out/detail my car
57. Forgive the family situation
58. Ride a mechanical bull
59. Attend the TONYs
60. Be in Times Square for New Year's Eve
61. Drive to CA
62. Get another tattoo
63. Really thank Marc
64. Sleep outside overnight
65. Stretch everyday for a month
66. Win an award for choreograph
67. Read the bible
68. Choreograph 100 shows
69. See an original Broadway cast
70. Visit Harry Potter World
71. Go to a book signing
72. See a new concert
73. Buy a new car
74. Get another dog
75. Read 100 books
76. Tell Lindsay
77. Thank John
78. Say "I love you" and mean it
79. Send out birthday cards for a year
80. Hire a new school for choreography
81. Try caviar
82. Visit a new state
83. Buy a chandelier
84. Buy designer shoes
85. Quit BN
86. Organize the JDSD office
87. Have a JDSD season without mistakes
88. Be in a relationship longer than 6 months
89. See Kristen Chenoweth live
90. Find a church I love
91. Run a half marathon
92. Run a 10k
93. Run a 5k
94. Workout daily
95. Stop procrastinating
96. Make a difference
97. Send someone flowers
98. Be promoted
99. Be a star consultant
100. Go on a cruise

Last, you fill in the things you checked off or crossed off and revisit the list in a year!  It's really a neat tool for reflection... Give it a try!

My 100 things - 8/18/2012

1. Earn a degree
2. Get engaged
3. Take Rob on a surprise trip
4. Convert to Judaism
5. Visit Mr. Mayo
6. Own a home
7. Start keeping Shabbatt
8. Weigh less than 200lbs
9. Take a tap class
10. Walk 10,000 miles
11. Get to goal size {175ish?}
12. Go sailing
13. Write a story/book
14. Walk in the Pacific Ocean
15. Pay my parents back
16. Pay off my student loans
17. Be a mom
18. Pay for TI 
19. Be a single digit size
20. Learn a new dance style
21. Stay at the Bellagio
22. Dance in the rain
23. Take a Mia Michaels class
24. Master fouettes
25. Take my kids to Disney
26. Take my family to TI
27. Visit Winchester Mystery House
28. Start a foundation
29. Travel outside the US
30. Master an aerial
31. Visit Israel
32. Read Les Miserables
33. Go see Razia in TX
34. Take flowers to Gram's grave
35. Send George a card
36. Attend the Olympics
37. Get married
38. Join Hevra Kedisha at TI {spelling is waaaay off, I know}
39. Fill a journal
40. Go to Radio City
41. Ice skate at Rockefeller Center
42. Have perfect attendance at work {no unscheduled call offs}
43. Stick to a work out plan
44. Run a full marathon
45. Take Rob to see RENT
46. Have $10,000 in savings
47. Grow bonbon bigger
48. Go back to being a blonde
49. Go bungee jumping
50. Ride in a hot air balloon
51. Be a mentor/Big Sister
52. Volunteer at RMHC
53. Build a habitat house
54. Take a cooking class
55. Get the house completely clean
56. Clean out/detail my car
57. Make 10 recipes from the jeni's cookbook
58. Ride a mechanical bull
59. Attend the TONYs
60. Be in Times Square for New Year's Eve
61. Drive to CA
62. Get another tattoo
63. See a ballet at ABT
64. Sleep outside overnight
65. Stretch everyday for a month
66. Win an award for choreography
67. Go see a live taping of SYTYCD
68. Choreograph 100 shows
69. Take cupcakes to a neighbor
70. Visit Harry Potter World
71. Start recycling
72. See a new concert
73. Buy a new car
74. Get another dog
75. Read 100 books
76. Level all of my characters
77. Thank John
78. Eat at a new restaurant
79. Send out birthday cards for a year
80. Take a sisters trip
81. Complete the 300 ab challenge
82. Have 50 followers on my blog
83. Buy a chandelier
84. Buy designer shoes
85. Participate in Pelotonia
86. Finish year 2 of mine and Rob's scrapbook
87. Accept the fact that I need antidepressants to function
88. Take Rob to see Jason Mraz
89. See Kristen Chenoweth live
90. Run a half marathon
91. Run a 10k
92. Run a 5k
93. Stick to a workout plan
94. Be a Big Sister or mentor
95. Work on a Habitat House
96. Send someone flowers
97. Have 3 level 85 characters on WoW - I know, what a DORK
98. Donate to Locks for Love
99. Go on a cruise
100. Be a mom

So there you go... Here's my 100 things.  I'll re-visit the list a year from now and see what's going on with it... a lot can happen in a year!

*believe always*

Blog Friends Book Club

So my blog friend {and bonbon customer}, Lindsay, has this Blog Friends Book Club and when I saw it I thought, "What a great idea!"  I am so in.  This month their pick is Gone Girl By Gillian Flynn.

Amazon Description: Marriage can be a real killer.
One of the most critically acclaimed suspense writers of our time, New York Times bestseller Gillian Flynn takes that statement to its darkest place in this un-putdownable masterpiece about a marriage gone terribly, terribly wrong. The Chicago Tribune proclaimed that her work “draws you in and keeps you reading with the force of a pure but nasty addiction.” Gone Girl’s toxic mix of sharp-edged wit and deliciously chilling prose creates a nerve-fraying thriller that confounds you at every turn.
On a warm summer morning in North Carthage, Missouri, it is Nick and Amy Dunne’s fifth wedding anniversary. Presents are being wrapped and reservations are being made when Nick’s clever and beautiful wife disappears from their rented McMansion on the Mississippi River. Husband-of-the-Year Nick isn’t doing himself any favors with cringe-worthy daydreams about the slope and shape of his wife’s head, but passages from Amy's diary reveal the alpha-girl perfectionist could have put anyone dangerously on edge. Under mounting pressure from the police and the media—as well as Amy’s fiercely doting parents—the town golden boy parades an endless series of lies, deceits, and inappropriate behavior. Nick is oddly evasive, and he’s definitely bitter—but is he really a killer?
As the cops close in, every couple in town is soon wondering how well they know the one that they love. With his twin sister, Margo, at his side, Nick stands by his innocence. Trouble is, if Nick didn’t do it, where is that beautiful wife? And what was in that silvery gift box hidden in the back of her bedroom closet?
With her razor-sharp writing and trademark psychological insight, Gillian Flynn delivers a fast-paced, devilishly dark, and ingeniously plotted thriller that confirms her status as one of the hottest writers around.   I'll be linking up with Lindsay with my review for this book on September 3rd {as well as posting my review here!}.  Can't wait to have a new group of people to talk about books with!  Feel free to grab the book and join us!   Thanks for stopping in, make it a great week!  

*believe always*

Friday Letters

I've seen a few other bloggers who do this on Fridays and I love the concept so I'm starting my own "Friday Letters" feature today.

Dear Shannon - Please tell your friend how much I love my peace tee!  It's adorable and I have already worn it half a dozen times... I'm thinking this will be a new go-to-gift!

Dear Gram - I think about you every day and I miss you so much!  There are so many exciting things going on in my life right now, from my awesome job to being in the {very} beginning stages of wedding planning, I wish I could share them with you.  I wish you could have met Rob and that he could have known you... I think you'd love each other.  <3

Dear Rob - You're my everything... I hope you know that.

Dear Quantum - Thank you for being the job I never knew was my dream.  Who knew I'd work in healthcare long term?  Six months in and the bibble still hasn't burst, I'm so blessed to be a part of your organization.

Dear Jimmy Johns - Today it took 50 minutes for my order to be delivered... not so freaky fast.

Dear Readers - Thanks for tuning in and have a GREAT weekend!!!

So What! Wednesday

We're linking up with Shannon again over at L.A.I.D.  Sure to stop over there and let us know what you're saying So What! to this week.

Here's what we're saying So What! to this week:

• Rob and I went to our first wedding expo last weekend.  No official engagement yet, but we have a date, it's a little over a year away.  We had a blast and got some great ideas!  **Hey brides, there was a woman at the expo who had all of her information printed out on stickers... every time she had to fill out a form, enter a raffle, etc. she just whipped out a sticker and slapped it on the form.  AMAZING... I am so doing that in the future!!!**
• I got some news from a few family members and it is stressing me out... not sure where to go from here.
• I feel really proud of myself even though I haven't stepped on a scale in a long time... I workout out 5 days last week and that feels AWESOME!
• Our house is *still* a disaster.  We have luggage from the beach that hasn't been unpacked.  I'm learning to enjoy life more and not stress about the house.  There are plenty of weekends for cleaning and it will get there.
•  I am OBSESSED with looking at our vacation pictures.  There are so many great ones and they make me so happy.
• I am contemplating a get together aka mini housewarming for this fall.  So much has changed in this house since I moved in and I'd like an excuse to show it off to friends and family... after we finish painting that is.

Have a great Wednesday!!!

Losing it!

Let me start this post by saying I really dislike Shannon right now.  For those of you who know her, I'm sure you're thinking, "Shannon??  Shannon Dew??  No way!  How could anyone dislike her?!?!".  Enter the 30 Day/300 Ab Challenge.  This. Challenge. Sucks.  I am not exaggerating.  I was showing Robb all of the awesome before and after pics from Shannon's link up party, and he thought we should do it.  I mean how hard can it be, right?  {So hard, it's soooooooo hard.}  We started tonight - perfect timing since we leave for the beach in, you guessed it, 30 days!!!  I took measurements and took a before pic of Robb {no before pic of this girlie... NO. WAY.} and we got on the ground and got started.  I wrote the list of exercises on a big piece of presentation paper, and we hung it on the TV so we could see it as we were working on it.  From what I've read in most people's posts, the whole thing takes them about 15 minutes.  48 minutes later {!} we were done and I was in tears.  We did not get through one set of anything without a break, my lower back {fat} was screaming and my heart was broken.

I cannot believe I let myself get to this point.  I haven't been what you would call skinny since I was 14, but I was still thin-ish all through high school {if only I'd felt that way then}.  I am currently at the heaviest I have ever been weighing in at a {devastating} 250 pounds.  {Note: I have typed and erased that last sentence about 15 times... but it's all about being real, so y'all get to know my real weight.}  I feel like I'm so far gone that I will never get to where I really want to be.  Five years ago I was on a great weight loss kick and was barely over 200 lbs {203 to be exact} the 100s were so close to being in sight, and I plateaued, lost motivation, and slowly started gaining.  I can only blame myself... in high school I was a cheerleader, danced 4 days a week, and was in the drama program.  After graduating I kept teaching at the dance studio for a few years, but not nearly at the level I had been dancing before, and just let the fitness level decline.  Pair that with an eating disorder {I truly think I'm a compulsive over-eater} and there you go.

As I have been battling with depression and finally getting that regulated with meds, I have found that I can control my eating a little better.  I don't tend to binge when I'm upset, and I can *usually* maintain decent portion control.  I still can't say no to desert, and I will never be able to pass on a good starch, but I'm making baby steps.  We also bought a treadmill {and I have even used it a few times, lol} so that's a goal to work into a daily routine... but for now it's the Ab Challenge.  I don't want to do it tomorrow.  I already told Robb that... he said it's okay, he'll help motivate me and he won't let me quit.  {He's so great.}  I promise to keep you posted on our progress.  Everyone says the first 4 days are the worst... I hope they're right.  I know I sound negative right now, and I do apologize for that.  I am proud of us for doing it, don't get me wrong.  I just have to forgive myself for letting everything go... and I think that's going to be a long process... and as for the challenge, only 29 days to go!

*believe always*

So What! Wednesday

It's time for another SWW link up with Shannon!  So sorry for the lack of posting... it's been a crazy transition with my promotion.  I have lots of posts *almost* done... will schedule them this weekend at the latest!

Here's what I'm saying So What! to this week...

• I still have clothes in my suitcase from our trip to Phoenix LAST MONTH.
• I got home from work last night and played WoW for 5 hours.
• I changed into my pj's right when I got home from work.
• I really miss Rob when he travels for work.
• I had a crappy end to my work day today and will be recovering with some Edy's.
• Our house is {still} a disaster.
• I sometimes let it stress me out that Rob and I aren't engaged yet.
• I'm using this post to plug my bff Lee's blog... he's interning for Martha Stewart in NYC and you can read all about his excitement HERE.  {ps, he totally passed Emeril in his building today}
• I love my new position so much that I'm really hoping it becomes permanent.
• I'm super psyched because I bought my domain name last night!
• I can't type psyched without hearing the cheer in my head {p-s-y-c-h-e-d psyched it what we wanna be, get psyched yeah yeah get psyched} oh the days of jr. high cheerleading.

What are you saying So What! to this week?  Link up at L.A.I.D. and let us know!



*believe always*

So What! Wednesday

I have followed the lovely Shannon Dew's blog for a long time and I love her So What! Wednesdays!  I decided it's high time I link up to her SWW posts and have a little fun of my own. :)

Here's what I'm saying So What! to this week...

• Sone people at work think I'm too new for the recent promotion I received, I'm going to rock it.
• Rob and I were at the lego store last weekend and I actually said, "I wish they made World of Warcraft legos."
• I'm taking 2 vacations this year {thanks for getting married in Phoenix, Steve!}.  I read in a magazine that women who take more than one vacation a year suffer from less depression and have greater relationship satisfaction, so there!
• Rob and I have started making a guest list for our wedding without an official engagement yet... it's our life and we know it's coming... how else are we going to figure out a budget?
• My power went out last weekend in the middle of baking 9 dozen cupcakes for a graduation party... I improvised and did my best and the end result was beautiful.
• I'm using this same post on my other blog {bonbon by jenndi}, that's my baking/business blog, and this is my personal blog, but the two meet in the middle from time to time.
• I just spent another $100 at ErinCondren.com, I have a new position and needed a few {adorable} things to keep myself organized at work.
• I'm getting back to my roots - literally!  In 5.5 weeks I'll be blonde again just in time for the beach!

What are you saying so what to this week?  Link up with Shannon and let the world know!

*Believe Always*

Nothing like a week of sunshine to cure the blues!

Well, maybe not cure, but definitely improve!  We just got back from our trip to Scottsdale, AZ for my cousin's wedding.  The trip was perfect, couldn't have been better {well, maybe, but only if it had been longer}.  We got in Thursday morning and left late yesterday afternoon.  It's sad to think that 24 hours ago I was still laying by the pool with a drink in my hand {don't judge... it was 5 o'clock somewhere}.  Seriously though, some R&R and family time was just what I needed.  Our resort {The Scottsdale Resort and Conference Center} was awesome... the place itself is gorgeous and the staff are all so friendly and helpful.  We would go back there in a heartbeat.  Rob and I ate at a few really amazing restaurants...   2 from Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, and one that was the fanciest place I have ever eaten {or maybe a tie with M in Columbus and the Eiffel Tower restaurant in Vegas}... when we walked to our table, they had matchbooks with our name embossed on them waiting at our place settings... I mean COME ON!  We also did some shopping in old town {got a fun southwestern feeling bead for my Pandora} and treated ourselves to a 90 minute couples hot stone massage {HEAVEN}.  All in all it was a great trip.  The wedding went flawlessly, even the happy couple agreed.  The ceremony itself was lovely {our uncle is a Priest so he performed the ceremony - so personal} and cocktail hour was fun, but the reception was to. die. for.  When we walked into the ballroom it LITERALLY took my breath away.  It was that moment from a movie... we walked in and I gasped... and Immediately told Rob, "This is what I want our reception to look like.".  The ballroom itself was massive with gorgeous chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, but the best part was that they draped soft fabric {maybe a tulle or something} over the doorways and made an aisle out of it... seriously, it was incredible.  The food was great and everyone seemed to have a great time.

*****

The day after the wedding there was a lovely brunch at the bride's parents' house.  I got to talk to a lot of my family that I don't usually get to talk to and even set up a lunch with my aunt and uncle and another uncle for later that day.  {Side-note:  because of some family drama that happened 8 years ago I rarely talk to them, but we're working on that.}  After our lunch {which was really more of a dinner} my aunt and Rob and I sat at a table at our resort and talked some things out - which was really great.  I used to be very close to this aunt and uncle and it's been hard to lose that relationship... I think I may slowly get it back though.  After our chat that aunt and uncle had to head for the airport and we followed my other uncle to his room to get their left over wine and beer {whoop whoop!}.  He walked us back to his room and we said our goodbyes.  He shook Rob's hand and then we stood awkwardly for a moment until I asked if I could hug him... he said yes and we hugged for the first time in 8 years.  Needless to say after he left the room I lost it and sobbed on Rob's shoulder for a minute.  It was the first time since the drama all started that I felt like maybe things could get better.  I think it's a far way off and I don't know if "normal" is even possible, but I am going to do everything I can to personally repair my relationship with them.  

*****

I read this in a magazine on the plane: "If you are depressed you are living in the past, if you are anxious you are living in the future, and if you are at peace you are living in the present."  I think that's somewhat accurate... I'm going to do my best to live in the present as much as possible.  With Rob, that is easier to do than it ever has been.  He makes every moment feel special and I am so incredibly in love with him.  I also read this: "Women who vacation more than once a year report lower rates of depression and greater relationship satisfaction." - you know what that means... let's get the countdown to the beach started... 50 days!!!

*Believe Always*

Feeling a little blue...

Today is a bad day... we all have them, those days when the alarm goes off and you continue to push snooze until the last possible minute, and then you still don't want to get out of bed.  I. just. feel. SAD.  {and I hate it}.  So, of course I do the first thing I think of... I make a list.  Why am I sad?  Why don't I have any energy?  Why am I not motivated?  Here's what I came up with:

• Our house is a disaster and its exhausting.  
• I am at the heaviest weight I have ever been and I do not like myself right now.  
• We leave for AZ in two weeks and I feel stressed about how much I want to get done before then.  
• I wanted to get the kitchen organized and it's still a disaster.
• I'm stressed about work, I feel like I have so many loose ends to tie up and no time to do that.
• I'm stressed about mine and Rob's relationship {there, I said it}.

What I want to do is lay in bed and cry all day {and maybe eat a big ice cream sundae}.  But here's what I'm going to do... Take the list one thing at a time and attack it... looking back, I can take control of all of these things in one way or another... the last point is a little fuzzy, but we'll get to that.

• Our house is a disaster and it's exhausting - so I'm going to start cleaning.
• I'm at the heaviest weight I've ever been - so I'm going to do C25K and day one of the 300 ab workout today.
• We leave for AZ in two weeks and I feel stressed about how much I want to get done before then - cleaning will help this.  I'm also going to start a list of things I want to pack.
• I wanted to get the kitchen organized and it's still a disaster - again, cleaning first.  The major organization will have to wait until after vacation, but that's okay.
• I'm stressed about work - I'm going to go in early and work late until everything is caught up and then keep things caught up.
• I'm stressed about mine and Rob's relationship - this will have to be a different post... I know we're fine... I just over analyze everything.

First things first, figure out what I want to accomplish today since I'm not going to work.

Here's my progress today... I took before pictures, but I am really embarrassed to post them... just know it was A LOT of work.

Family Room: Done

I will continue this post and my progress soon!!!

The perfect weekend...

Rob and I had a pretty perfect weekend this past weekend.  We lucked into tickets for 3 different events and had a blast at all of them.  We started our weekend Saturday morning with breakfast with a friend and then headed over to THE Ohio State University for the Buckeye spring game.  We found an awesome parking spot and headed in to the shoe.  It was cold and misty, kinda yucky weather... I felt more like we were heading into a game at the END of the season rather than a spring game in the middle of APRIL!  Despite the weather, we {and 81,112 of our closest Buckeye friends} had a blast.  We met up with some of Rob's old friends at halftime and spent the second half with them.  To make it even better, WE WON!!!  {For those of you who don't know, the spring game is a scrimage against ourselves, so it would have been HORRENDOUS if we managed to somehow lose, lol.}  I have to tell you, the Bucks look pretty good... I am sooooo excited for this season!  {I won a pair of tickets at a work event back in February - cost for this event: $0.}  

Do you love our shirts?  Thanks Sue!!!



O-H!



After the game we went to BW3 for some food and drink{s}.  After we ate, we headed over to the Schott for our next event... the Barry Manilow concert!!!  Mind you, the spring game was at noon, the concert started at 8:00 and it was now just 5:45... luckily my parents were going to the show also {and my mom is OBSESSED with Barry} so they were already there.  We headed over to will call to grab our tickets and  met up with my parents... luckily my mom was wearing her hot pink feather boa so they were easy to spot, lol.

After we met up with them we waited for my other friend who was joining us and headed up to our seats {and I mean UP to our seats... second to last row... but that's what you get when your tickets are $15.00 AFTER taxes and fees}.  Luckily we are the LUCKIEST people ever and we got our seats upgraded for FREE {second time this has happened to us at Barry}!  We ended up smack dab in the center 6 rows off the floor!!!



Where we were supposed to sit.




Where we actually sat.



The difference isn't as drastic in the pictures as it was in person, plus almost every other person in our section got upgraded with us, so it was a group of very happy "Fanilows". {Cost for this event - $15.00 each for seats that would have otherwise cost over $100.00.}



Very excited about our upgrade!

Glowsticks are ready and waiting for Barry!

So, a super fun Saturday... and the weekend was only half way over!  On Sunday we went to our ITJ {Intro to Judaism} class and left early because we had tickets to West Side Story!  I got the hookup from a friend at work... Loge seats for only $25,00!!  The show was wonderful... this was the revivial tour so the Sharks spoke mostly in Spanish and I loved it.  The dancing was phenominal and it was a really great afternoon.  Afterwards we went to Katzinger's for an early dinner then home to see the poochies.  After a short break at home we headed out to the grocery store for some much needed shopping.  You know you're head-over-heels when even a trip to the store feels like a date.  After we got home and got everything put away, we got a snack together {hey, we had an early dinner!}, lit a candle, opened a bottle of wine, and just enjoyed each other's company.  A perfect end to a perfect weekend.  Seriously, sometimes I feel like I need to pinch myself... I am so lucky to have such an amazing boyfriend who makes every single thing we do feel special.  In just over a month we will be celebrating our 2 year anniversary {and my cousin's wedding} in Scottsdale, AZ!  You'll certainly see a post about that one!  Hope you all have a wonderful day.

Our yum-o snack to end our wonderful weekend.

Depression confession...

Hi all!  Whew, it's been a while!  I have a big confession today... I suffer from mild depression.  There, I said it.  It's a scary thing to say "out loud"... or in this instance to see in black and white.  It's such a frustrating thing to deal with because I feel terribly guilty about the way I feel.  I mean, lets look at the list of my life... Awesome job?  Check.  Amazing boyfriend?  Check.  Loving stable family?  Check.  Enough money to meet basic needs?  Check.  So why am I sad so much of the time?  After missing work 3 days this week {don't even get me started on how scared I am about losing my finally found dream job} I went to the doctor yesterday to lay it all out on the table.  I have to tell you, this is one of the scariest things I have dealt with because I just don't know why I feel this way.  Today is my first day at work this week... have any of you ever felt like you just couldn't even get out of bed to face the day?  That's how I felt all week, and even still today, but I pushed through it today and here I am... I have to tell you though, now that I am up and at em, I feel better than I have all week.  I still don't feel great, and I still don't feel like me, but better is better. :o)  I started new meds yesterday and am hoping that makes a difference.  I just want to feel like the happy person everyone sees on the outside.  Does that make sense?  Has anyone else ever felt this way?  I know I'm not alone... I can't be, right?  So today I made it to work... I'm calling that an accomplishment... and I haven't cried all day, definitely an accomplishment.  I hope if any of you are feeling this way you are seeking help like I am.  It's a scarry thing to deal with, but there are things you can do... I'm doing them and I'm taking it one day at a time.

Feeling connected...

So as part of the conversion process at my {conservative} synagogue, you must attend 30 Shabbat or high holiday services.  So far I have attended... 7.  Not very many.  I have to admit that I enjoy it when I go, but I feel a little a lot disconnected.  I think there are several reasons for this... first of all {and maybe the most difficult for me} the Hebrew thing... I mean I took a crash course and can s..l..o..w..l..y read Hebrew at about the pace of an Israeli  3 year old {oh - and only if there are vowels!} but to read along in a service is too fast.  I do an okay job of following along as long as I know where to start... if I lose my place I'm out of luck, because there's no finding it until the next prayer.  Second, I sooooo MISS singing {honestly that's the only enjoyable part of mass for me anymore - not that I go much}!  Sure there are tunes {lots of them actually} but let's face it, I don't know them yet.  I finally had the words and tune down for one - I can't tell you which one because I can't spell  in in Hebrew and I'm sure I'll butcher the transliteration - but anyway I was even singing it around the house.  So we go to services the following week and guess what... they used a different tune.  It's funny how much that bummed me out... I guess it's the little things though... that was one part I knew I was going to be able to participate in and then it was a tune I didn't know.  I mumbled/stumbled through it, but it was a little disheartening.  The last reason I think I feel disconnected {and this is something I can fix and it will hopefully help the other two reasons} is the fact that I've only been to 7 services... and that's spread out over 4 months.  So here's the current goal: go to Shabbat services unless there is something else VERY IMPORTANT that conflicts.  I won't be able to go Friday evenings for at least the next 6 weeks because of the new job, and it's still up in the air even after that, but I can go most Saturdays! 

Does anyone else deal with this?  I don't doubt that this is the faith I want to convert to, and that I am so excited about it, I just want to feel connected to the service... is that a lot to ask?