Losing it!

Let me start this post by saying I really dislike Shannon right now.  For those of you who know her, I'm sure you're thinking, "Shannon??  Shannon Dew??  No way!  How could anyone dislike her?!?!".  Enter the 30 Day/300 Ab Challenge.  This. Challenge. Sucks.  I am not exaggerating.  I was showing Robb all of the awesome before and after pics from Shannon's link up party, and he thought we should do it.  I mean how hard can it be, right?  {So hard, it's soooooooo hard.}  We started tonight - perfect timing since we leave for the beach in, you guessed it, 30 days!!!  I took measurements and took a before pic of Robb {no before pic of this girlie... NO. WAY.} and we got on the ground and got started.  I wrote the list of exercises on a big piece of presentation paper, and we hung it on the TV so we could see it as we were working on it.  From what I've read in most people's posts, the whole thing takes them about 15 minutes.  48 minutes later {!} we were done and I was in tears.  We did not get through one set of anything without a break, my lower back {fat} was screaming and my heart was broken.

I cannot believe I let myself get to this point.  I haven't been what you would call skinny since I was 14, but I was still thin-ish all through high school {if only I'd felt that way then}.  I am currently at the heaviest I have ever been weighing in at a {devastating} 250 pounds.  {Note: I have typed and erased that last sentence about 15 times... but it's all about being real, so y'all get to know my real weight.}  I feel like I'm so far gone that I will never get to where I really want to be.  Five years ago I was on a great weight loss kick and was barely over 200 lbs {203 to be exact} the 100s were so close to being in sight, and I plateaued, lost motivation, and slowly started gaining.  I can only blame myself... in high school I was a cheerleader, danced 4 days a week, and was in the drama program.  After graduating I kept teaching at the dance studio for a few years, but not nearly at the level I had been dancing before, and just let the fitness level decline.  Pair that with an eating disorder {I truly think I'm a compulsive over-eater} and there you go.

As I have been battling with depression and finally getting that regulated with meds, I have found that I can control my eating a little better.  I don't tend to binge when I'm upset, and I can *usually* maintain decent portion control.  I still can't say no to desert, and I will never be able to pass on a good starch, but I'm making baby steps.  We also bought a treadmill {and I have even used it a few times, lol} so that's a goal to work into a daily routine... but for now it's the Ab Challenge.  I don't want to do it tomorrow.  I already told Robb that... he said it's okay, he'll help motivate me and he won't let me quit.  {He's so great.}  I promise to keep you posted on our progress.  Everyone says the first 4 days are the worst... I hope they're right.  I know I sound negative right now, and I do apologize for that.  I am proud of us for doing it, don't get me wrong.  I just have to forgive myself for letting everything go... and I think that's going to be a long process... and as for the challenge, only 29 days to go!

*believe always*