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Friday, February 3, 2012

Feeling connected...

So as part of the conversion process at my {conservative} synagogue, you must attend 30 Shabbat or high holiday services.  So far I have attended... 7.  Not very many.  I have to admit that I enjoy it when I go, but I feel a little a lot disconnected.  I think there are several reasons for this... first of all {and maybe the most difficult for me} the Hebrew thing... I mean I took a crash course and can s..l..o..w..l..y read Hebrew at about the pace of an Israeli  3 year old {oh - and only if there are vowels!} but to read along in a service is too fast.  I do an okay job of following along as long as I know where to start... if I lose my place I'm out of luck, because there's no finding it until the next prayer.  Second, I sooooo MISS singing {honestly that's the only enjoyable part of mass for me anymore - not that I go much}!  Sure there are tunes {lots of them actually} but let's face it, I don't know them yet.  I finally had the words and tune down for one - I can't tell you which one because I can't spell  in in Hebrew and I'm sure I'll butcher the transliteration - but anyway I was even singing it around the house.  So we go to services the following week and guess what... they used a different tune.  It's funny how much that bummed me out... I guess it's the little things though... that was one part I knew I was going to be able to participate in and then it was a tune I didn't know.  I mumbled/stumbled through it, but it was a little disheartening.  The last reason I think I feel disconnected {and this is something I can fix and it will hopefully help the other two reasons} is the fact that I've only been to 7 services... and that's spread out over 4 months.  So here's the current goal: go to Shabbat services unless there is something else VERY IMPORTANT that conflicts.  I won't be able to go Friday evenings for at least the next 6 weeks because of the new job, and it's still up in the air even after that, but I can go most Saturdays! 

Does anyone else deal with this?  I don't doubt that this is the faith I want to convert to, and that I am so excited about it, I just want to feel connected to the service... is that a lot to ask?